Unveiling My Story: Chapters of Growth and Resilience
I view my life in chapters. Chapters that represent unique segments of my life that are so different from one another that it feels as though I have lived multiple lifetimes in one—which is technically true since time, as we know it, does not truly exist—but that is another topic for another day. While writing this with the intention for you to get to know me a little better, I found myself feeling such appreciation and gratitude for every bit of every experience I described. I truly would not change a thing. All of my experiences, from the abuse and traumas to all the beauty I have seen and the adventures I have had, mentioned and not mentioned, have all shaped me to be the healer and lover (I don’t mean romantically) that I am today. They have brought me to be exactly where I am in this very moment. And this exact very moment is perfect, just as it is…so is this moment…and this moment…AND THIS MOMENT!! You get it. : )
Chapter 1 : Happy Years Consumed by the Memories of War.
My early years were full of both joy and hardships. I remember my first years in Hilla (Babil) and Baghdad, Iraq, with the scent of orange blossom and jasmine in the air, surrounded by an extended family where i never felt alone or unloved, and the fear of bombs. I was always afraid of saying the wrong thing for fear of one of Saddam Hussein’s spy’s will hear me and torture someone I love. Nearing the end of the war, my family and I migrated to Amman, Jordan. That is where I began to feel different. I saw spirits on a daily basis, especially at night, so I could never sleep alone. I was a quiet, good girl that got the highest marks in school, played soccer in the streets with the boys, and had a few sweet friends from school. But I was confused because my child brain could not understand why I felt different. I even changed my Iraqi Arabic to Jordanian Arabic to fit in, that my teachers had no idea I am of Iraqi descent until Parent - Teacher interviews!
Chapter 2 : The Years that Shaped Me
Five years after living in Amman, Jordan, we moved to the suburbs of Mississauga, Canada. As a Muslim during the 90’s and early 2000’s, around 9/11 time too, I faced a lot bullying, discrimination, harassment, racism, and ridicule by my peers, customers (when I started working in customer service at 17), and even from teachers (who were always happy to remind me I’m different, that English was not my first language despite my fluency and studying English since the age of 5, and that as a result of those things I would never succeed at anything).
At home, I had two younger brothers who battled (and survived!) cancer over a span of ten years. While today I understand my parents were incredibly overwhelmed and distraught with the care for their two sick children, my teen and young self only felt abandoned by her parents, alone, and in need of validation and love. I thought I was unworthy of all those things because I was healthy. So I always felt guilty for being me.
Despite this, I found joy in my volunteer work and playing sports through my school. I found being of service and keeping myself busy while connecting with others who needed me or were impressed by my skills really brought me joy; validated me and made me feel more worthy. I also found my love and passion for reading, journaling and music. My diary was the friend who always listened and cared about me. My books were my escape from the loneliness and sadness I felt, and what kept me distracted during my insomniac late nights. I even skipped school to go to the library, which I later got suspended for! While previous years I spent all my summers playing sports like soccer, tennis, and cycling with friends, I was now locking myself up in my room with piles of books and my alternative rock and R&B music playing too loudly on my disk-man.
My room was my safe place, and my books were filled with the adventures, love, and experiences I craved. When I read, I didn't have to try so hard to be loved and accepted, and I always knew by the end of the book, everything was going to be okay.
Chapter 3 : Living with Conditioning
As soon as I could, I found my escape.
First, it was to fund-raise money to do volunteer community projects wherever the money (and my parents) allowed, then to move to Ottawa for university where my aunt lovingly took me in that first year. Ottawa was more diverse at the time, and I found other Muslims and Arabs there who accepted me (as long as I was who they wanted me to be—ironically).
Then, after my return from my latest university internship (and escape) to Vietnam, I even found acceptance in a man who gave me the validation, attention, and “love” I craved. We eventually got married, moved to the UK, and I supported him through him working towards his dreams: law school (which was also my dream but we agreed that I would support him first and then it would be my turn to do the same). Unfortunately, this did not mean a happily ever after for us, as he later cheated on me with my best friend, while we lived in the basement of his parent’s home as he mentally, emotionally, verbally and sexually abused me. While in that relationship, I began having anxiety attacks, which resulted in my being hospitalized. My self-esteem shattered lower than it ever had, and during those last 6 months of our marriage, I or anyone who knew me no longer recognized me. I lost myself completely. Out of shame, and as I was conditioned by my culture, I did not tell a soul what was happening.
While I don’t think it is necessary to experience the pain and to lose yourself fully to find your truth, in my case it was clearly necessary or I would not have been in such a situation in the first place! So, like everything else I had experienced until then, I would not change a thing. I am so grateful for all of it, for it would not have brought me into what is now the best time of my life!
Chapter 4 : My spiritual Awakening
I left my ex and that life in 2015, and the work on myself really began. My parents welcomed me home with love and empathy. I had never felt so supported. I was grateful every day. The first year was the hardest, as expected. With constant bouts of anxiety attacks, sudden bouts of crying uncontrollably for hours. My entire life had shattered. And these 6 words represented that shattering:
“My dreams are now strangers to me.” from the song Flight by Lifehouse
But I was so fortunate to have the love of my parents. I could not have gone through those times without them both!
The next years I was forced to delve deep. I first found therapy and then I had a newfound interest in non-fiction and self-development books. Through my learning more about what had made me who I am—the conditioning, I was able to find a process of shedding it away to getting back to my core. Through doing this work, I worked through my traumas as they showed up, and I connected with my inner being. I connected back with my intuition, and my gifts.
I redefined:
unconditional love,
God & faith,
friendships,
home,
success & career,
sex,
forgiveness,
and what being sensitive really means.
Everything I was previously convinced was a weakness about me, or something to be ashamed of, now became my strengths and the characteristics about me that I loved most. I found myself, my heart, and my connectedness with the ONE. I found my freedom.
No, it was not perfect. There were a lot of really low and bad days, and a lot of things and traumas I needed to visit and revisit to finally understand and shed (i.e. sexual assaults, moved countries twice for, and stayed with, a narcissistic abusive man for too long in the name of ‘love’ and for fear of being judged or never having children, working an average of 50+ hours a week at a high paying job that I worked many years to get, that sucked the life out of me because I thought that was what success meant, etc.). But they were the experiences I needed to have to bring me to this exact moment. Those tougher days were the universe’s way of showing me what I still needed to work through, and the things I added to the bucket of things I don’t want to help me manifest the things I do want.
Chapter 5 : TODAY - In Joy and Ready to HELP!
Today, my fifth chapter, with all my years of service, coaching, and education in my career…with all my years of hardships and doing the personal work: I feel ready! Ready to give back and support women who have been through their own incredibly difficult chapters. Ready to help others understand their experiences, shed the conditioning, connect with their intuition, and find the clarity to allow everything they dream about to come IN. Because I learned that it is only through doing that exact work will you truly be able to create the life you can only dream of.
I am now at peace, in my head, in my heart, and with my spiritual gifts. Life is not perfect, but it is the closest it has ever been to perfect. I live in a new country that I love and is in alignment with who I am; I am having the adventures I used to read about in books when I was a sad lonely teen; I am surrounded by incredible and loving friends all over the world, and I have a wonderful and good relationship with all my family members. Even when I am a little sad or have my tough moments, I have the tools and intuition now to understand the reasoning behind them, heal through them, then raise my vibration again in no time! I laugh 95% of my days! And most of all, I am finally giving back to my community, my human community, in the way that I have always wanted. I help clients from all over the world to find their bliss and freedom just as I have. I HELP! Hahaha. What’s better feeling than that?
